The Couple Who Knew Too Much
71
Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things... ~ Margaret Atwood (Cat's Eye)
Remember when you first met? The mystery, the starry-eyed looks, the conviction that no one could be as wonderful or as perfect as you were for each other? You moved in a passion-filled, dream-like world where all is accepted, all is approved, and all is forgiven.
Your conversations are stimulating and questions pop up like a spring--What do you like? Where are you from? Where did you go to school? What music do you enjoy? What outdoor activities do you like? What books have you read? Which films are your favorite? The dialogue flows and with each mutual favorite there is the conviction that this relationship is the one--even the things that are different you think are cute or admirable or fun.
You are so happy that you have found your soul mate and then one day your love does or says something that hurts you or you do something or say something that hurts them. It is like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden--once they ate of the fruit which showed them the difference between good and evil, they were never the same. Now there is shame and deceit and blame and estrangement in the relationship--you have learned something about your love that you would rather not know--you learn from experience that they can and will hurt you sometimes.What do you do about it?
Maybe you learn something that surprises and saddens you about them--they don't really like monster trucking or the symphony like you do, they don't really like your parents or they are allergic to cats. This is knowledge that does not help your relationship, so what do you do with it?
1. Let it go. If you can, just forget about it. I don't mean delude yourself, I just mean if at all possible let it be unimportant compared to the love you have for each other. In the movie Princess Bride, the hero let's a lot of things go out of love.
Grandpa:
[voiceover] Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.
Buttercup:
Farm boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Westley:
As you wish.
Grandpa:
[voiceover] "As you wish" was all he ever said to her.
Buttercup:
Farm boy, fill these with water - please.
Westley:
As you wish.
Grandpa:
[voiceover]
That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you
wish", what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the
day she realized she truly loved him back.
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends ~ Proverbs 17:9
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. ~ William James
In a recent episode of Mad Men, the mystery man with the checkered past, Don Draper tries to be frank with his fiance secretary:
Don: You don't know anything about me.
Megan: But I do. I know that you have a good heart. And I know that you're always trying to be better.
Don: We all try. We don't always make it. I've done a lot of things.
Megan: I know who you are now.
2.
Understand. It may help to know their motivation. they may be
speaking or acting out of fear and they need to be comforted not
scolded for their unwise words or act. Maybe they are just unaware and
when they find out it bothers you they may find they don't need it any
more. Perhaps they are reacting to something you are doing or saying and if you soften up first they will too.
Women...are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. ~ James Stephens
3. Love works both ways. Only people who truly love each other can hurt each other deeply. If you don't care about someone, what they say or do doesn't affect you as much as it does coming from the one you love. The good news is that the same love that cuts deep can heal just as dramatically.
I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you
what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting
to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them
enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you
might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone,
but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at
you.
-- Author Unknown
Only love can break a heart, only love can mend it again. ~ Burt Bacharach - Hal David
Knowing
My love knows all my ways
My best, my worst of days
My secret soul laid open
The ears that hear my whispered sighs
Have also heard my small complaints
Eyes that often see me smile
Have seen me also walk away
And sometimes…….
I’d rather that my love not know me quite so well
Still, could it be that you see me as I see you
The kindnesses
The loving touch
The words that soak in deep and heal
The little selfless gestures
The adoring look
The laughing eyes
All the ways I know my love
My love knows all my ways
©Winsome Publishing 2010, All rights reserved
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We are usually intrigued by the unknown in a relationship. Sometimes learning too much is a turn-off. Thanks for this interesting exploration. Winsome.
Beautifully put, Winsome! It is often hard to remember how much the love of your life does know you, but it can be comforting as well.
Thanks!
Thank is a very well written point of view.
Great hub with insightful advice, but the beauty of your poem outshines all else.
The last couplet is a poem unto itself, anthemic as a lovers' song, warm and true as a summer breeze.
Wonderful.
CP
Winsome, I totally agree with you and even with BJ that sometimes you can know 'too much' and it grows stale I guess. But then again, I think it's really nice when you get old (like me) and you've been married 35 years and although it's not all been 100% perfect, it was pretty great.
The point I'm trying to get around to is that now that we've been married so long and we are getting older (and Bob's 7-1/2 years older than me so WAY older), we tend to forget - like a LOT. So it's kind of exciting because we can get to know each other all over again. I do dread the day though that we both look at each other and scream "Who the HELL are you and how did you get in my house?"
Seriously - well done and I love the poem. Hope you don't take offense at my humor...or lack of! I totally agree with you that love is a 2-way street and the more you open your heart to another person, the more you'll receive. My life with Bob has been the ride of my life and I don't regret a minute of it.
You are most welcome Sandun81. I am glad it was helpful. =:)
Hi Doc, thanks for the comment. You are right, the unknown is what we fear and yet it is what intrigues us. When we romanticize someone out of proportion and then find out they are mere mortals, there is the let down. One way to avoid that is a pre-emptive human move. As Jenny McCarthy says "My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away." =:)
Hey Laurel, I agree--difficult but comforting. They say the definition of a friend is someone who knows all your faults and likes you anyway. Thank you for coming by and for the kind words. =:)
Hello my friend, Hello--Thank you for the warm and welcome visit. =:)
Thank you Chris, I can always count on you to catch the thread that ties my thoughts together. I appreciate your comradery and kind words. =:)
Hey Audrey, are you kidding--your humor is the Red Bull of the hubpages and we would all nod off without it. I like what you said about it being the ride of your life with no regrets. I guess that tells us whatever you found out about each other just made the ride more interesting. Thanks for sharing and the nice compliment. =:)
Analysing too much sometimes defeats the purpose. :-)))
One of the biggest lessons I learned from my first marriage to my second was learning to pick my battles. To add to your extensive and intriguing list of fabulous quotes "Don't sweat the small stuff. And remember, it's all small stuff." Great hub Winsome!
Hi Dimitri, so you are going with King Arthur's advice--"How to handle a woman mark me well and I'll tell you sir. The way to handle a woman is to love her--just love her." You may be right, if you overlook or if you just deal with it openly you save a lot of unnecessary mental anguish. Thanks for the comment. =:)
Hey Bucky, that is a wise observation--the more you see the things that bug you as little things and not worth hassling about or even remembering, the happier you will be in the relationship--especially if you have an outlet like HP to let your rants out. Ha ha Thank you for the thoughtful and helpful words. =:)
I love this beautiful Hub! It takes a lot of growing to realize everyone's not perfect or what you expected. Your lessons are priceless. Rates a big up! Hey W. why not add "all of the above" to your quiz :)
Another lovely hub by Winsome! Love kicks in when the honeymoon is over!
Hi GL, great idea for the poll--done. You are right about the growing part, you almost have to go through the 5 stages of grief--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance before you can just love without all the angst. Thank you for the visit and your much appreciated words. =:)
Hey Kim, thank you--I don't know why I think I can have a perpetual honeymoon, just the Winsome in me I guess. ha ha Well at least there is a wealth of material for hubs this way. Nice to see you. =:)
I have yet to meet someone, that knowing more about them did not help the situation. I like the quote at the beginning, because it is so true. When you know someone, you understand how they think and why they act the way they do. What I hate is thinking you know someone, only to find out that you do not, either because they have changed or they never told the truth.
This was unique and so well written. I really enjoyed it and its helpful to everyone. The poem was so beautiful and heartwarming. EXCELLENT hub! Thank you for sharing!
I agree with you, yet it seems we never really know anyone the way we think we do. Many times people are deceived.
Greetings Lady Ivorwen, I hadn't thought about that but you are right--the plot of so many sitcoms and movies, someone is not who they say they are. One of my favorite plots like that is the Eddie Murphy movie Coming to America only he is a prince masquerading as a fast food employee. He misrepresents himself but only to find one who would love him not for his position but for himself.
Lisa McDowell: So why did you come here?
Prince Akeem: To find something special.
Lisa McDowell: It's a long way to travel.
Prince Akeem: No journey is too great when one finds what he seeks.
Thank you M'Lady for your charming comment. =:)
Hello my Erthfriend, thank you so much for those warm compliments, so glad you enjoyed it. I am getting to know some very interesting things about my fellow writers here. Knowing is fun when everyone is so delightful. =:)
Hello Angela and welcome--it may not be possible to know someone completely because we hold on to our secrets. Only God knows those but He did say: "...all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all." Scary huh? Thank you for stopping by and for your nice comment. =:)
Wise words as usual winsome, having been married for the past twenty four years i'd say my wife and i are pretty familiar with all the things you speak about. Grass is green and no greener over that there hill. Lovely poem mate Cheers
Hey AH, congratulations on your upcoming 25th. I like your "grass is green" that is usually what one finds on the other side of the fence and sometimes even brown. I didn't mention that there are things that you can do in a relationship--exciting things that only comes from knowing someone very well. It is nice to be familiar with a path when it is by a cliff and the night is dark. Thanks for stopping by, I always enjoy it. =:)
“Inconceivable!!!”
Anyway, I really like you hub, I am not so sure about the starry eyed part, it was more of a quiet curiosity for me. It is best that we live in the middle, highs none too dangerous and low none too desperate. I really liked you poem.
Cheers.
Ha ha, Hi Jason, I wish there was a tribute youtube to Princess Bride where they just played those priceless, razor sharp little tidbits of dialogue, but it would probably be almost as long as the movie. "You keep using that word, I don't think it means what you think it means." "I know something you don't know--I'm not left handed..." "Tell me I must know!" "Get used to disappointment." "When I was your age, television was called books." "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha..." "You mock my pain." "Life is pain highness, anyone who tells you different is selling something."
Thank you for your considered comment--your middle ground theory might be tested if you read my upcoming article on risk--a review of Secretariat. Pleasure making your acquaintance. =:)
Winsome - yet more fabulous words - thank you - I come to you to get wisdom in relationships and wonderful quotes too!Thank you for this. Voted up (as usual!).
How gracious you are A, we who spin life into gossamer webs of words and images sometimes catch a prize in them. A delight as always. =:)
Capivating, and voted up!
Delighted you liked it RA, thank you for the upvote and the nice visit. =:)
I love when he smiles, he looks 10x more handsome! Loved the Princess Bride part, that's so romantic, Brilliant hub and awesome poem!
Hey SG, so nice to have you visit. Thank you for the insight--yes and those are the things that make up the picture we carry of them in our hearts. I appreciate the kind words. =:)
I liked the comment, "Love steps in when the honeymoon is over." There is such a big difference between dewy-eyed puppy love and mature love, between "I am in love with you" and "I love you."
A little bit of mistery should always be there to keep things going; the sexiest nudity is the one covered by a transperant veil
Greetings M'Lady, so nice to see you. Learning to mean "I love you" is a little harder than the falling in love part and I know that mature love keeps you going but those big dewy puppy eyes are hard to resist. =:)
Hi Petra, you are right, a little mystery is an attractive thing. For example, I know that Ivorwen has another, more normal alter ego on HP but I just gravitate to her hubs under the more mysterious name. Btw Petra, or you telling us you have a drawer full of transparent veils? Hmmmm =:)
That will always remain a mystery, dear Winsome
Well, I really enjoyed reading this one! Thanks so much.
Love and peace
Tony
This was such a wondrous hub , I so enjoyed reading it and related to it completely. I so agree with your point number 3 in particular. Your Burt Bacharach quote 'Only love can break a heart, only love can mend it again', is so true.
Acaetnna I appreciate your visit and warm words. Love is like a sickness that makes its own antidote for all the hurts it brings. Only those who have loved can survive the experience. =:)
Tony I was off reading one of your wonderful hubs and forgot I was in the middle of thanking you for coming by. You are warmly thought of in the Winsome world and I'm glad you enjoyed this little missive on to know or not to know. =:)
Winsome, how did you became so wise? share your secret? So we can know you better!
Great hub. Surprising subject!
Ha ha CC, only those who have tripped over their own foolishness long enough to learn from it have a chance at wisdom. Thank you for your warm comment. How about this for an acrostic---
Wisdom
Is
Stealing
Delight
Out of
Mistakes, Mayhem and Madness
=:)
Great advice and a beautiful poem...thanks for sharing, JR
Welcome JR, it is my pleasure and thank you for the kind words. The pursuit of knowledge is a double edged sword but I would not have it any other way. =:)
Very well presented indeed, you have a lot of good information here; worthy of sharing.....
Hey LON, thank you for coming by and for the rate up. Good to see that new grandbaby is letting you write more. =:)
Fantastic hub, simply had to return to read your fabulous poem again.
Real love doesnt hurt.
Oh that it were true Salt. I could talk about Romeo and Juliet or a loved pet taken, or Golgatha or my own experience, but I hope you have found a way to truly love without ever hurting anyone or having them hurt you. I will wish you that although it may mean never knowing too much about the injustices in the world or caring too much for those who suffer. When you love truly, deeply, I hope you will be able to move all you love to a very safe place and maybe even outside the reach of your own mistakes and then perhaps there will be real love that doesn't hurt. I wish you all the best. =:)
Love your quotes - they ring so true and compliment your hub perfectly. Looking back it's easy to see that Apathy and not hate and anger are the opposite of Love. Although, walking away can also be the most painful, sometimes it is the only option left. The gift of time makes scholars of us all. Your points about forgiveness are so true. Thank you!
Mischelle, you are such a joy--I love the way you express yourself. I agree that hate and anger can be temporary components of love that resolve back into affection and adoration, but it is very difficult when love turns from approval to apathy or its evil twin contempt.
Love is a treasure that you guard with your life and no minor flaws or offenses are worth the trade. Sometimes the best gift you can give a relationship is the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for a thoughtful and gracious comment. =:)
Beautiful! And I do love the Princess Bride!
Thank you Micky, just for you:
[after defeating Fezzik, who lays on the ground unconscious]
Man in Black: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.
Good to see you. =:)
Love is being able,and willing, to say you are sorry.
Ha, you are right, contrary to a popular movie of the '60s. Good to see you, might I add you also have to say it. Thank you for your comment. =:)
Good writing here and the quotes are great -- from unknown philosophers to Don Draper. My favorite part, however, as Chris Price points out, was the poem. Elegance through brevity. Glad to have made your acquaintance and look forward to following.
Well who could leave out the chain smoking sage of Madison Avenue? Thank you for visiting Doug, glad you could catch a bit of poetry. Writing is sometimes like a chef doing a fine reduction to the most telling of flavors--it takes time but when the components are there, it's worth the wait. I am enjoying the spice of HP of which you are welcome part. =:)
Cool hub that has valuable info.
Your comments are much appreciated C, I'll see you soon. =:)
Great hub! It's true, only the ones we truely love can hurt us.
Hi Susan, so nice to see you--yes "only the ones we truely love can hurt us," but thankfully, they are the only ones who can make us whole. Thank you for the read and kind words. =:)
What a great hub! I look forward to reading more from you.
So nice of you to say so FP. I'm glad you enjoyed it. =:)
Interesting hub. I loved the Buttercup reference.
I think that it's all a matter of ego, being offended or hurt I mean. Lovers get hurt by another because they allow it. We feel as much "hurt" from a betrayal as we want to. For example; let's say you are hurt from a lover leaving you. YOU are hurt because YOU don't have them anymore and YOU feel like this is wrong because YOU... you see where this going... this is not to say that being selfish is bad, but it is so much easier to simply understand and accept rather than make a mountain out of an ant hill.
Hi Phoebe, thank you for the great comment. I'm thinking about the ego idea as I write this. I mentioned my Murder by Chatroulette project to someone yesterday, expecting I guess to get some emotional support and got a curt response--"It's a shame you don't use your writing to make money." I don't know what she meant by that exactly, but my ego interpreted it as a put-down of what you and I do here on HP. As I think about it, if I left my ego out of it, I could appreciate her point of view as being valid for her and my reasons are valid for me. Anytime we expose ourselves to another we take the risk of approval or non-approval. The more sure of ourselves we become, the more we can share because our ego is not invested in their response.
I'm not there yet, but working on it. =:)
Interestingly enough, ego isn't bad, it's simply the human nature of things. We work to tame it so we can continue to grow. I love it because the more I learn, the more I realize that I know so very little in the grand scheme of things.
sandun81 19 months ago
Good and valuable information. Thanks for the great hub!